Twenty years in the past the city of Newt, Texas, exacted vengeance on the Sawyer household for his or her position in aiding and concealing murders dedicated by the chainsaw-wielding maniac Jeb Sawyer, aka “Leatherface”. The whole household was presumed killed when Burt Hartman led the townspeople to burn down their farmhouse, however the Sawyer toddler survived and was secretly taken away by two of the vigilante townies, Gavin and Arlene, and raised as their daughter, Heather.
It’s not till she’s in her twenties that Heather learns that she’s adopted. A lawyer for her grandmother tracks her down with phrase she’s been left an inheritance. Indignant at her mother and father for mendacity to her, she units out for Texas on a street journey together with her boyfriend, Ryan; associates Nikki and Kenny; and Darryl, a hitchhiker they decide up on the best way.
Arriving in Newt, Texas, Heather is proven to her grandmother’s home by lawyer Farnsworth – and is shocked to seek out it’s an enormous and opulent mansion. Whereas the others get meals at an area retailer, Darryl explores the mansion and inadvertently frees Leatherface from a sealed room — a mistake he’ll quickly remorse.
You recognize the thought of yet one more remake/reboot/sequel to Tobe Hooper’s masterwork, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (TCM from right here on) was completely abhorrent to me. Once I first heard of it I had the concept this movie was being introduced to a unsuspecting populace in 3D I simply knew that this was some of the shameless cash grabs Hollywood has foisted on the teeming plenty as of late. However what do I do know? Perhaps, regardless of my anger at it’s very existence, “Texas Chainsaw 3D” would truly be one thing midway respectable?
Yeeah, and Jessica Alba has my quantity on velocity dial! “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is by my rely the 134th remake/reboot/sequel to “TCM” and wouldn’t you assume that the f*cking baboons at Lionsgate had an unique concept or two laying round someplace which may benefit the $eight million dollars they spent on this? I positive do and fairly frankly I’m insulted by the truth that this movie even exists. Sufficient is sufficient already, I’m sick & uninterested in all the unnecessary remakes, reboots & sequels to movies that ought to’ve been left alone within the first place.
However I digress. Lets speak concerning the precise film for a scorching minute right here, we could? “TC3D” stands aside from the opposite 133 “TCM” movies by starting mere minutes from the place the unique movie ended. Because of this we get to see some footage from the unique movie over the opening credit in 3D (Which truly wasn’t too dangerous). And proper after Sally (Marilyn Burns) jumps behind that truck & mocks Leatherface as he pulls a chainsaw swinging hissy match in the midst of the street the movie cuts to a sheriff pulling as much as the Sawyer home demanding that Jedediah (Yup! Leatherface has a reputation individuals) give up himself to the authorities. It appears that evidently Sally made it again to civilization & reported on Leatherface & his clan’s tendency to butcher passersby for meals. The household patriarch, Drayton Sawyer (Invoice Mosely), refuses to provide Jed up although. In any case, he’s household isn’t he? However because the state of affairs turns into more and more tense his fellow relations persuade Sawyer that perhaps they need to give Jed up. In any case he’s easy minded isn’t he? Simply as Sawyer agrees to provide in to the sheriff’s calls for, a gaggle of armed townfolk drive up with the concept they’re gonna lynch Jed up proper on his entrance yard. At that time the Sawyer clan decides that not solely will they not give them what they need, they’re gonna struggle again. This solely lasts a number of seconds although as a result of a couple of Molotov c**ktails are tossed by means of their window and with no technique of escape, your complete Sawyer clan burn to demise of their home of horrors.
Or do they? Among the many Sawyers in the home are a younger mom and a child. Shortly after the home is burned to the bottom and it’s ashes being sifted by means of by the townies, the younger severely burned mom and her unhurt toddler are discovered hiding behind a automotive round again in what appears like a automotive port. The person who finds them kicks the poor lady to demise & takes the unhurt child to his spouse, who conveniently can’t have youngsters, and lift the child as their very own. Reduce to 2012 and the infant has grown right into a particularly engaging younger woman named Heather Miller (Alexandra Daddario). We’re launched to Heather at her place of employment, a grocery store the place she’s discovered gainful work as a butcher of all issues! Who would’ve thought that may occur?
Within the following 10 minutes we meet Heather’s greatest pal, Nikki (Tania Raymonde), her “Parents”, Gavin & Arlene Miller, Her boyfriend, Ryan (Trey Songz) & his pal Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sanchez). In these 10 minutes Heather additionally finds out that her grandmother has handed away, the grandmother she didn’t know existed. Her mother and father inform her she was adopted and she or he will get dressed, gathers her pals collectively and drive to Texas! She has to “fill out some forms” you see. That and obtain her inheritance as nicely and that seems to be a stunning mansion, absolutely furnished and all hers to stay in for the remainder of her life! The lawyer ready for her when she arrives provides her a letter her grandmother, Verna (Marilyn Burns…once more)! leaves her with specific directions to learn it instantly however you simply know that ain’t gonna occur straightaway.
That’s too dangerous as a result of among the many bits of information her granny leaves for her within the letter is the truth that her cousin (Jed AKA Leatherface) continues to be alive and kicking! And he lives in part of the home that’s locked away so he can’t be bothered. Oh yeah, he nonetheless goes out from time to time for some recent meat and all Heather has to do is “Tend to his needs”. Y’know, do his dishes, wipe up after him…stuff like that. In fact this all ends badly for all concerned however the query I’ve is why did the writers determine to make our favourite pores and skin masks sporting nutjob a type of anti hero on this movie? And why do they assume that we’re so silly as to not discover this movie’s superb lapses in logic & widespread sense?
First issues first, since this movie takes place immediately after the unique meaning it begins within the yr 1973 after which quick forwards to 2012. Since Heather was a child in 1973 which means she’s about 38 in 2012…proper? Usually this shouldn’t be an issue however since they forged Daddario (Who appears to be about 21, 22 tops however she’s truly 26) believability was clearly one thing they only didn’t give two figs about. This may make Leatherface what…about 80 or so? He’s fairly spry for a previous man with a pores and skin fetish and a chainsaw. Persevering with on my record of WTF moments, at first of the movie when Loretta (Dodie Brown) & her child are discovered behind incinerated Sawyer residence, didn’t ANY of the lads who burned down the home even discover the very giant space with a couple of parked automobiles in it that was not solely untouched by the (Very giant) hearth however actually 15-20 ft in entrance of them? Didn’t any of those chowderheads discover Gavin dashing in the direction of his automotive from that very space with a crying child which he arms off to his spouse who’s ready in a truck proper in entrance of them? In fact not! What sort of film would this be if anybody might do stuff like…see?
And the c**kamamie concept of creating Leatherface some type of anti hero is simply plain silly. As soon as Heather finds out he’s her cousin…nicely that makes him household don’t it? And household all the time comes first, by no means thoughts the truth that he peels the faces of of his victims so he can put on them. You’ll simply need to see the movie to know what I’m speaking about right here but when that is the most effective that 4 (!) writers can provide you with then I’m actually within the flawed enterprise. I can write this type of crap in my sleep, some would say that I have already got however that’s one other story. The bloodletting doesn’t actually kick in until the second half of the movie and whereas it’s not as excessive as I might’ve anticipated, it’s fairly efficient. The 3D is totally pointless however there are a couple of cool photographs of chainsaws slowly coming proper out of the display which are cool sufficient I suppose.
Alexandria Daddario is a few sort of Porcelain skinned goddess, She is certainly fairly pretty to take a look at and she will act a bit as nicely however all that’s requested of her right here is to look distressed or perturbed and ensuring her shirt reveals simply sufficient of her impressively flat stomach in order that we ultimately can’t take our eyes off of it. Don’t even get me began on her (Actually spectacular) boobs. Someway they handle to remain coated, barely coated, by no matter shirt she’s sporting which is all the time virtually utterly unbuttoned. I don’t know who Trey Songz is (Apparently a singer of some word) however I do know the women within the viewers squealed with delight when he made his first look within the movie. This may make Mr. Songz completely happy apart from the truth that when he made his exit those self same women (And almost the complete viewers) cheered with delight! He’s not precisely what I might name convincing as an actor, let’s depart it at that OK?
As Leatherface, Dan Yeager has the correct quantity of heft however because the writers nice concept is to make him almost lovable right here, he’s just about trapped in a state of affairs that he can’t chainsaw his approach out of. How do you try and make lovable a personality whose favourite factor to do is butcher people & eat them? Even when it was potential, is it a good suggestion? I didn’t assume so both.
However I’ll admit that I couldn’t hate this film as a lot as I needed to. Perhaps it was Daadario’s pendulous bazoomboos? Perhaps it was me having enjoyable preserving monitor of all the conditions the place bystanders witness one thing utterly ridiculous occurring in entrance of them and proceed about their enterprise as if it’s a traditional factor to see a 6′ 5″ chainsaw carrying, blood splattered behemoth chopping by way of a sequence hyperlink fence surrounding the carnival they’re all attending as he’s chasing after a blood splattered younger woman with actually spectacular boobies? Perhaps I simply have a smooth spot for boobs & cannibals? I dunno, however as silly as it’s I didn’t hate this movie, and I needed to hate it so badly individuals.
Ten individuals are listed as producers right here which simply tells me that a bunch of individuals (Tobe Hooper included) felt like they obtained shortchanged monetarily from the primary movie and try to get some payback. Nothing fallacious with that however couldn’t they’ve given us a greater film? Why take out their frustrations on us? I’m wondering how a lot Tobe acquired paid for his blurb that’s plastered over the newspaper advertisements for this calling it “Terrifying”? He oughtta be ashamed of himself…he actually ought to. However in the long run I can’t inform you that you simply’ll hate this film since I didn’t (And I attempted). When you do “Treat” your self to this then grasp round till the top of the credit score roll, one thing occurs afterwards that whereas nonetheless silly, is mildly entertaining for a second or two.
“Texas Chainsaw 3D” – 1.5 out of 5 shrouds.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D (2013) Bluray is now out there from Lionsgate Leisure
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D (2013)